01 Nov To new beginnings in pursuit of fulfilment
During the holidays in 2012, just 11 months after moving to London it dawned on me how unhappy I had been for the majority of my time there. Incrementally suppressing negative feelings with materialism, social engagement and unhealthy eating, actions that offered momentary satisfaction. This admission also surfaced something much deeper, that these feelings weren’t at all new. Uncertainty and a lack of happiness had been the norm for as long as I can remember from childhood, stemming from circumstances beyond the control and comprehension of a kid. This constant theme of my existence required the development of an adaptive mindset that strives for improvement through change. Often seeking adjustment for the sake of progression. This time around however, I couldn’t attribute my predicaments in life to age and the associated inability to control outcome. After-all I was a young adult. Albeit, one that was more lost than at any other point prior, but an adult non the less. Able to make informed decisions and required to do so.
I still vividly remember this thought process unraveling. Of all possible times to have an existential crisis, mine had to be during the new years eve countdown in a prominent London city night club. A place meant for letting loose with concerns out of mind at a point in time reserved for celebrating the passage of yet another calendar year. Ushering in new beginnings and moving forward. The inconvenient timing, ironically signalling the magnitude of change required. Dull in movement, I watched others enjoying the night, attempting to camouflage my thoughts with a generic fixed smile. Soberingly welcoming 2013 with the realisation that I have no clue what my life will amount to, and what contributions my legacy will be. Perhaps I should have drank more, reducing myself to less productive thoughts, that undoubtedly enable blissful ignorance, but momentary relief was not the solution. Besides, I felt too empowered from self assessment to give in to degrading habits. I realized that my emptiness and lack of foe-filament could be prevented from turning into a permanent disposition.
It wasn’t that I had no outlook. Rather, that I had no way of accomplishing them with the restrictions attributed to the high cost of living and time commitments prioritised above all else. Time was on my side though and it created a healthy level of determination for change. This begged the question “if I already knew something wont cut it down the line, why continue?”. I didn’t want to wake up in my 30’s, only to think back upon my 20’s with regret, condemning my lack of actions and thinking “dammit, this isn’t where I thought I would end up!”. Few questions had clear answers, though one thing was refreshingly clear, even in my sobering capacity. It doesn’t always have to be like this, decisions made can, and will eventually amount to substance.
Within a few weeks of the new year, as others joined the gym and quite smoking in pursuit of their own new years resolutions, I utilised the buzz of determination in the air, harnessing it as additional encouragement for my cause. Analyzing potential solutions to alter my path in life. I was activated like no time before. My purpose in life wasn’t to be stationed in a cubical, working for others so I can afford to pay for things I’m told by society that I need. Exchanging time for funds that enable living in a place where I can exchange time for money is not the aspirational existence sought by our generation. We have been conditioned to expect certainty, seeking knowledge, justice, concerning ourselves with probabilities and guarantees before making decisions. This conflicts with the lifestyles bombarding those living in expensive cities. Often the biggest motivator for taking risk in the form of change is knowing that what is had in life is not providing an outlook to look forward to. 2013 marked a new chapter in which I would be more prepared and better adept to handle the flow of life, to manurer myself toward the outcomes desired. Of course planning only goes so far, but it’s an essential start!
The 5 years since then has been a journey of a lifetime. Something I am looking forward to sharing over the coming weeks that lead up to the release of the resulting project. Nothing short of an alignment of stars with a steep learning curve through varied mentorship coupled with facilitating circumstances enabling it all. In hindsight, taking this leap, which is responsible for Solofy existing is the absolute best thing that could have happened to me, and to think it all started from an overwhelming fear of stagnation that highlighted what wasn’t working. Forcing intervention that would emancipate me from the mundane, unnecessary distractions in our modern lives. I feel strongly that everything happens for a reason as all the energy invested over the years has been consolidated into a cohesive thought process that now has the potential to make a difference on a scale unimaginable not too long ago. This understanding is the fuel that provides power through moments of doubt and is what fulfilment means to me.